“I never in my life intentionally molested or harmed a child,” Michael Pence screeched at Rear Adm. Lia Reynolds as she showed the panelists a photograph of Pence pulling down a seven-year-old boy’s underwear in a Maryland hotel.
Pence grinned sheepishly, saying any relationship with minors was as a mentor, father figure, guiding disenfranchised kids toward a prosperous life. He teetered on his tiptoes, telling Adm. Reynolds she had been deceived by President Trump’s lies, falsehoods aimed at finally silencing Pence. He shook his shackled hands as if he were the Ghost of Christmas Past in Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, pronouncing his innocence and condemning JAG and the Office of Military Commissions for separating him from his beloved family.
“I never knowingly hurt anybody,” Pence wailed woefully. “Free me, and I’ll do everything I can to make sure none of you see the cell I’ve lived in, as long as you renounce Donald Trump. He’s a goner, but it’s not too late for you, you, you, and you,” Pence uttered, pointing at the admiral and three panelists.
Adm. Reynolds gave a slow clap of her hands and walked toward Pence at the defense table. “Bravo. My predecessors told me to expect theatrically, and you don’t disappoint. If you’d do me the honor of taking the stand to defend yourself, that’d be fantastic; otherwise, close your mouth and be quiet and shut up.”
At that moment, Pence began convulsing, foaming at the mouth and placing his cuffed hands over his chest as though he were suffering from a myocardial infarction. Spittle dripped from his lips, and his head flopped from side to side.
“Nice try,” the admiral said. “I was told that behavior’s been commonplace here.”
Pence still had the jitters. “I’m not me, I’m not me,” he said, his body atremble.
Admiral Reynolds abandoned courtroom decorum and shoved in Pence’s face a photograph of his tiny phallus hovering over a child’s mouth, and a letter he had written to Chuck Schumer saying that he, Pence, would be the heir to Trump’s throne if Trump “unfortunately” died or disappeared.
“I don’t know anything about that,” Pence said.
“Well, that’s not what it says here,” the admiral said, tapping her finger against the document.
“Don’t you understand,” Pence said, quivering, “it wasn’t me.”
“Defendant Pence, you stand accused of treason, sedition, and horrific crimes against children, and all you can say is it wasn’t you? That’s your argument, really?”
Admiral Reynolds told the panel that Pence had undergone a psychiatric evaluation and judged fit to stand trial.
“Officers, this is act, the first time he’s shown this behavior. It’s a Deep State routine, anything to avoid responsibility,” she said.
The lead panelist, a Marine Corps major, said the panel had heard enough evidence to reach a definitive verdict: guilty. Defendant Pence, he said, ought to be hanged for crimes.
“I’m inclined to agree with the decision,” Admiral Reynolds said.
Pence screamed, “I have a right to face my accuser.”
“You had them killed, so tell me how you we can manage that?” said the admiral.
“I mean Trump. Donald J. Trump,” Pence said.
“POTUS is busy. A verdict has been reached,” Admiral Reynolds said.
“You’ll pay for this,” Pence bawled as MPs dragged him out of court.
Admiral Reynolds set a sentencing date for March 15.
We’ll post a follow-up once we have confirmation Pence is dead.