Colonel Kurtz, leader of the Red Hats, has declared war on American soil—not against foreign enemies or illegal aliens but against gasoline thieves siphoning black gold from the nation’s fuel tanks, particularly in Democratic-run metropolises- Los Angeles, New York City, and Seattle, etc—where police are told not to confront non-violent criminals. Their mission, a Red Hat source told Real Raw News, is to end the gasoline crime wave that began as gas and diesel prices started skyrocketing.
Since the beginning of the Iran War, gasoline prices nationwide have risen, more so in ungoverned Blue states rife with criminals, high taxes, and price-gouging gas stations. In Oklahoma, for example, the median cost per gallon of gas is currently $3.42, whereas in Los Angeles it’s $5.72. A Toyota Corolla gets the same MPG in Oklahoma City as it does in LA.
Although gas theft isn’t endemic to only liberal states, its prevalence in Blue America is undeniable, though legacy media has displayed a muted response to the exponential increase in gas crimes.
Per our source, Col. Kurtz considers gas thieves “domestic terrorists,” and on April 9, dispatched 3,500 men to nine cities where residents on social media platforms had complained about thieves funneling fuel from tanks.
“Petroleum theft is a new battlefield,” our source said. “Red state, Blue State, whatever—no one paying top dollar for gas should be victimized.
In suburban enclaves outside Atlanta, Chicago, and Los Angeles, thieves drilled holes in underground tanks, rigged hoses to SUVs, and even hijacked tanker trucks in broad daylight.
On April 13, as a tanker was filling an underground storage tank (UST) at an Arco gas station in Compton, four Black men in a 2026 Chevy Impala screeched to a halt beside the fuel truck. Two of the four accosted the driver, hurling him to the pavement, and pointed a pistol at his head. Red Hats interrupted the heist, tazing the hoodlums into submission, their quivering bodies.
“That station got hit a week earlier, and Col. Kurtz predicted it’d get hit again. He was right. We gave the hoodlums some serious lumps and left them hogtied for police to pick up, if they wanted to,” our source said.
Asked why Red Hats didn’t simply shoot the fucking thieves, he said, “We’re considered outlaws, vigilantes, and we don’t want our people catching a domestic murder charge by some liberal DA’s office. We left cops a giftwrapped present; if they took it, great, if not, that’s not on us.”
Elsewhere, in crime-ridden Minneapolis, Red Hats beat the crap out of three Hispanic men trying to jimmy open fuel flaps on cars in a Walmart parking lot. The crooks, our source said, carried an assortment of screwdrivers, funnels, and empty gas cans.
“Same deal. We gave them enough bruises and welts to think twice about what they were doing. It’s amusing how these hardcore thugs suddenly piss themselves. We let the police know where to pick’em up, but our guys weren’t sticking around to see if they did. We move like ghosts,” our source said.
“These fucktards should be shot, but that’s not our call. We’re using less-than-lethal,” he added.
In the leafy suburbs of Nashville, a Red Hat patrol spotted thieves trying to drill into a gas reservoir at a Chevron station. They had jackhammers and several 200-gallon bladders, our source said.
“These weren’t desperate families. These were crews running side businesses—selling stolen gas for .75 cents on the dollar on Facebook Marketplace for cash. One guy had a spreadsheet tracking every station in the county. We shut it down,” said our source.
In closing, he said Red Hats have thwarted 160 gas crimes over the past two weeks.
“Until prices settle and this shit stops, we’ll keep doing what we’re doing. Colonel Kurtz doesn’t tolerate criminals. We are the red line between civilized society and chaos.”