A White Hat blockade prevented an armed FEMA convoy from entering the tornado-ravaged suburb of Elkhorn, Nebraska, Saturday morning after a violent twister outbreak razed hundreds of homes and businesses and left citizens stunned and clamoring for necessities such as food, water, shelter, and electricity.
Two days earlier, Marine Corps Forces Cyberspace Command eavesdropped on a telephone conversation between FEMA Director Deanne Criswell and a Mission Support Associate Administrator Tami Franklin. The tyrannical twosome discussed the National Weather Service’s heightened risk for a tornado outbreak in the Great Plains and mentioned having a “survey team” ready to assess future storm damage. A seemingly prophetic Criswell suggested having a caravan prepared to “roll into Omaha” once the storms dissipated, prompting an inquiry from her subbordinate: “Armed?”
“Standard procedure,” Criswell replied. “But be cautious. We’ve taken too many losses lately.”
Given FEMA’s history of terrorizing and burglarizing storm victims, Cyberspace Command notified General Smith, who asked if they got a bead on Criswell’s location. He was told that the elusive FEMA administrator had made the call from Switzerland. Criswell is among the horde of despotic Deep Staters who have been hiding abroad to avoid getting picked up and shipped to Guantanamo Bay.
“These guys just won’t stop. You’d think they’d be a bit more cautious after the pasting we gave them in Maui. Their endurance is…surprising,” a source in Gen. Smith’s office told Real Raw News.
He added that FEMA’s longevity is largely contingent on its access to unlimited cash and willingness to employ convicted felons. The agency is currently binge-hiring, offering $30/hr. in a desperate effort to replenish its rank and file. Our source said White Hats accessed FEMA’s application database and found it was indiscriminately glossing over felonies that preclude government employment and firearm possession.
“Kidnappers, sexual assault, home invaders—FEMA doesn’t care,” our source said.
He compared Criswell to actor Cliff De Young’s portrayal of abolitionist Col. Jay Montgomery in the 1989 film Glory, wherein the jayhawker pillaged and firebombed the city of Darien, using hatred of slavery as a pretense for personal profit.
“FEMA has coffers of cash and black budget surplus in overseas accounts—they plunder because they enjoy it. Any FEMA employee taking up arms against or robbing citizens is guilty of treason. And Gen. Smith expected that would happen if FEMA rolled into Omaha if a storm struck,” our source said.
Upon hearing the call between Criswell and Franklin, the general activated two rifle platoons and had them flown to Offutt AFB, a White Hat-controlled installation in southeast Omaha. As they prepared for a possible engagement, Cyber Space Command monitored FEMA’s tactical frequencies hoping to glean the agency’s next move. That information came late Friday evening after devastating tornadoes flattened homes in the Omaha suburb of Elkhorn.
“Intel was an ‘advance damage assessment team’ would arrive in Elkhorn at first light. Damage assessment team is really lingo for terrorizers. We got word they’d be coming into Elkhorn from Lincoln on Highway 6, and the general decided we’d have an ambu—a surprise for them,” our source said.
The Marines, he added, positioned vehicles on either side of the Ashland Bridge spanning the Platt River, while a reconnaissance team drove toward Lincoln in a civilian car in search of FEMA raiders. At 3:45 a.m., the recon team spotted six SUVs with FEMA decals on the doors and two tactical mobile command centers driving north toward the bridge.
The FEMA convoy rolled to a stop after crossing the bridge, its forward motion halted by a Humvee roadblock and 50 Marines pointing rifles and a couple of AT-4 rocket launchers at the lead vehicle. The platoon leader, a lieutenant, made clear his intent: a bullhorn amplified his voice as he informed FEMA that arming themselves or retreating would end with their destruction. The rear element remained hidden on the opposite side of the river in case FEMA foolishly tried to flee.
Marines swarmed the FEMA cavalcade, pulling supervisors and grunts from their vehicles and restraining them. The Marine lieutenant told the FEMA agent-in-charge (AIC) he intended to inspect FEMA’s cargo for weapons.
“If all you’re carrying is food and water and not guns, you’ve nothing to worry about,” the lieutenant told him.
The AIC, however, said the Marines had no authority to delay his “mission of mercy,” though he admitted to having a small stash of firearms, purely for self-defense.
The minuscule stash, our source said, turned out to be 34 M4 Carbines, 27 Glock 23 pistols, 3 M24 Sniper Weapons Systems, and a plethora of ammo. Although FEMA had enough weapons to wage a small war, it carried not a single MRE or bottle of water, nor any relief supplies to aid the now homeless residents of Elkhorn.
“We’ll be confiscating these,” the lieutenant told the AIC.
While frisking the AIC, the lieutenant found what our source called a smoking gun on him, a document that held the names and addresses of Elkhorn’s wealthiest residents. It listed their jobs, annual incomes, and whether they had ever filled out Form 4473—the ATF’s mandatory firearms transaction record.
“Good day for gun confiscation, is it?” the lieutenant said to the AIC.
The AIC protested: “We just need to know who has guns for our safety.”
“You’re not going to Elkhorn today,” the lieutenant replied. “In fact, you’re not going anywhere—except to GITMO, you and your whatever you call yourselves—team leaders. The rest of your ‘relief team’ can leave, back to whatever rock you crawled out from. Your men can tell Criswell she’s not welcome here, not welcome anywhere.”
Disarmed and disheartened, the FEMA convoy left without having burgled or terrorized a single resident.
“The lead and three others we got will be treated as enemy combatants,” our source said. “Marines are still in the area, in Nebraska, Kansas, and Iowa, and they’ll repel or eliminate any further FEMA invaders,” our source said.
Edit: Our source the Marines had a “tactical reason” for releasing the bulk of FEMA’s forces, but he wouldn’t clarify the reason.
Correction: We orginally reported that Criswell had spoken with Erick Leckey. This was an error. Source merely identified the contact as a mission support administrator, and I, not remembering the contents of every article written, forgot Leckey was captured in Hawaii last year. We reached out to our souce for clarification, and he identified the other party as Deputy Associate Administer Tami Franklin. We have corrected the article to reflect this.